Sometimes when you feel feelings...

As a member of the human race, I find that from time to time I feel feelings. I feel like as a human being, that's a valid reaction to life- having emotions and wanting to express them. Most of the time I share those with a friend or I write them down in a journal but from time to time something possesses me and I feel feelings all over the internet and as much as it's nice to get encouragement from old friends and vague acquaintances, exploding emotional vomit all over facebook isn't really the way to deal with my human need to feel feelings.

So if you're still with me, I want to let you all know that I'm perfectly fine. Sometimes I have bad nights and sometimes I get so down that I feel like all of facebook needs to know my issues. Not cool Angela, not cool. 

One good thing that came out of it though, is that it woke me up to how low I'd gotten and how much I needed to be diving back into prayer to rebalance my emotions. So thank you to the friends who encouraged me and to the friends who saw my emotional vomit and didn't criticize me for airing it so publicly. Last night I had a wonderful talk with my friend Laura that got really real and ended in some really very genuine and heart healing prayer. Praise the Lord for good friends! I hope I never forget how good it is to emote to a real friend and a real God again :)

I've lost the word I was looking for... and my purpose as well, I think

It's been a while since I've posted a blog entry. I suppose that's obvious but I point it out to preface my next thought. In creating a blog to help me try to be more optimistic, I've found it hard to find things to write about when I'm not feeling terribly cheery about the world which sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

The reason I started writing this entry is because I was feeling lonely and... another word. I was thinking about how bad I was feeling about myself and I lost the word. It was the perfect word to describe my feelings and I lost it. Dangit! Don't you hate it when you can't think of a word?

Anyway, the reason I was lonely and despairing (for lack of a better word) tonight was that I had to go home to an empty house tonight. Yes, I live with a cat and dog but they're not much for conversation or encouragement. I find myself dragging my feet on the cusp of a job hunt and the beginning of a new business and I just can't get myself going. It makes me wonder what it is that I'm missing that all of those successful people out there have. What drives these people? What motivates them to look at all of the potential "No"s out there and still hunt for that elusive "Yes"? How does one repeatedly wake up in an empty bed to an empty day and not become despairing about the future? How does one go to sleep alone with that sort of day ahead of them and not want to hide in a maze of videos and pictures and memes- my sad stand-ins for real human interaction?

Purpose- my friend Luke said on Sunday night. He was talking about Ecclesiastes. There is a purpose to life but I think I've lost sight of that. I think my problem is that it feels so far off, that it's such a distant and unreachable thing, that I wonder why I should bother.

Sorry this has been a disjointed and less than cheery blog post but I just haven't been feeling terribly inclined towards optimism lately...

To all of my introverts out there.

So I know this isn't the usual type of thing I put up here but I was perusing Reddit and found something that made want to rant a little.

This: http://sveidt.deviantart.com/art/How-to-Live-with-Introverts-Guide-Printable-320818879?q=gallery%3Asveidt%2F34464099&qo=3

For those disinclined to check the link it's a "guide" to how to deal with introverts and as an extrovert I find it offensive. In general, I strive to be a pretty easy going person but I'm tired of people thinking that extroverts are overbearing inconsiderate jerks.

This "amusing" guide basically tells us that introverts are hamster ball dwelling people who should be given special treatment and tiptoed around so that we "energy sucking" extroverts don't annoy and exhaust them. I don't have a problem with people needing their space, I have a problem with the idea that introverts deserve common courtesy and personal space more than extroverts. How is this list http://i.imgur.com/Xqg9M.jpg more applicable to introverts than extroverts? These are things that should be afforded to everyone, not just the introverted.

I love my introverted friends and I do my best to give them the space they need to recharge but is this (from this guide) really how you view us? "They tend to see extroverts as obnoxious predators out to steal their sweet, sweet energy juices... Interaction is just expensive and they don't want to spend it on something annoying (read: wasteful)... They won't spend their precious energy on someone who doesn't want them around" Guess what? I don't either, especially if you see spending time with me as draining and wasteful.

Maybe I'm over reacting a little but as someone who has been called "the most extroverted person I know" I feel a little misunderstood. I like time by myself. I like to sit at home and browse the internet, read a book, or even just lie on the grass and stare at the sky. I just don't like to do these things all the time. It exhausts me to spend all of my time alone. It's not because I don't like to be with myself but because being with people recharges me. (Sound familiar?)

I know this is getting kind of long so I'll wrap up. The point I want to make is that extroverts aren't the socially crazed people we're made out to be. We need common courtesy and personal space just as much as the introverts do. The only difference is that we need other people to help us recharge. So when you're done recharging can you call me for coffee so that I can recharge too?

Why I haven't lost faith in teh internets

A lot of people say that the internet is a dark, weird and twisted place. These people are right- to an extent. The internet is also full of people sharing things that make them happy. The last month has been pretty chaotic for me and I've had a hard time coming up with things to be optimistic about. So instead, I'll give you this article.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/pictures-that-will-restore-your-faith-in-humanity

Looking at it helped me to remember that even though life might be chaotic sometimes there are lots of people out there, on the internet and in real life, trying to make the world a better place. 

Happy Mother's Day to me! or How I learned to stop worrying and appreciate the "kids" I have

When I was younger I had a plan. That plan was to be married by 25 and to have babies soon thereafter. I am 28 and I have no babies.

I do, however, have kids that I call my own and I was thankful to be reminded of that privilege today at church. I was speaking with 2 older ladies and as we were finishing up and one had to leave she turned to me and as she hugged me she said "Happy Mother's Day". I replied "I don't have any kids" and she said back something to the effect of "Yes, but I'm sure some of the kids see you as one". In my confusion I don't remember the exact quote but it reminded me that as a youth leader my teens have become my kids. Things like the times I get a little "mama bear" over them, one boy's odd comment of "You remind me of my grandma" every time he hugs me, and the nickname of "Grangela" that came out of that, make me realise that as much as I'm not their real parents I do have an important role to play as a loving adult in their lives.

I may not have reached my "goals" of being married and having babies in my mid-twenties but I do have kids I get to love and cherish- kids I get to fill with Tang and send home to their parents.... Hmm, maybe I'm more blessed than I thought after all.

Why does life take so much effort?

The problem with being a pessimist writing an optimistic blog is that it takes effort to find something to write about. Especially when you're drowning in bills, assignments, and responsibilities. The great thing, however, about being a loveable pessimist is that you always have lovely people around to be thankful for.

Take, for instance, my roommate. She's a lovely person- sweet, funny, nice, clean, pays rent on time and she's moving out to live closer to her school. I could be pessimistic about this but being such a lovely person, she's offered to help me find a new roommate who, fingers crossed, will be nearly as good a roommate as she has been. I'm choosing to be optimistic about this.

Unfortunately, life takes effort. It takes effort to find roommates, to scrape up the money to pay the rent, to balance your schedule, to plan for upcoming events, and to be optimistic. The good news though, and here's where we get optimistic, is that people are willing to live with me, the government is decent enough to give good tax returns to us poor people, that I have so many people who desire my time that I need to balance my schedule, that people have entrusted their teens to me to care and plan events for, and that I do actually have lots to be optimistic about!

Life may take effort but at least, most of the time, it's worth it.

A compliment... sort of

Sometimes my friends say nice things to me, and sometimes those nice things are said in a way that well... you tell me how this sounds. "Angela, sometimes I get discouraged because I don't know what to do with my life. Then I look at you and I don't feel so hopeless" It took me a minute before I realised that this was actually not meant to make me sound like an utter failure at life. What she meant was that if I, at 28, have only just figured out that I want to be a massage therapist, it's not so bad that she, at 21, still hasn't figured out what she wants to do. It's a good reminder that it's ok to figure things out a little later than we expect ourselves to. Sometimes I think if I were to take a good look at my life as well, I wouldn't feel so hopeless either.