Monday 26 November 2012

Sometimes when you feel feelings...

As a member of the human race, I find that from time to time I feel feelings. I feel like as a human being, that's a valid reaction to life- having emotions and wanting to express them. Most of the time I share those with a friend or I write them down in a journal but from time to time something possesses me and I feel feelings all over the internet and as much as it's nice to get encouragement from old friends and vague acquaintances, exploding emotional vomit all over facebook isn't really the way to deal with my human need to feel feelings.

So if you're still with me, I want to let you all know that I'm perfectly fine. Sometimes I have bad nights and sometimes I get so down that I feel like all of facebook needs to know my issues. Not cool Angela, not cool. 

One good thing that came out of it though, is that it woke me up to how low I'd gotten and how much I needed to be diving back into prayer to rebalance my emotions. So thank you to the friends who encouraged me and to the friends who saw my emotional vomit and didn't criticize me for airing it so publicly. Last night I had a wonderful talk with my friend Laura that got really real and ended in some really very genuine and heart healing prayer. Praise the Lord for good friends! I hope I never forget how good it is to emote to a real friend and a real God again :)

Tuesday 20 November 2012

I've lost the word I was looking for... and my purpose as well, I think

It's been a while since I've posted a blog entry. I suppose that's obvious but I point it out to preface my next thought. In creating a blog to help me try to be more optimistic, I've found it hard to find things to write about when I'm not feeling terribly cheery about the world which sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

The reason I started writing this entry is because I was feeling lonely and... another word. I was thinking about how bad I was feeling about myself and I lost the word. It was the perfect word to describe my feelings and I lost it. Dangit! Don't you hate it when you can't think of a word?

Anyway, the reason I was lonely and despairing (for lack of a better word) tonight was that I had to go home to an empty house tonight. Yes, I live with a cat and dog but they're not much for conversation or encouragement. I find myself dragging my feet on the cusp of a job hunt and the beginning of a new business and I just can't get myself going. It makes me wonder what it is that I'm missing that all of those successful people out there have. What drives these people? What motivates them to look at all of the potential "No"s out there and still hunt for that elusive "Yes"? How does one repeatedly wake up in an empty bed to an empty day and not become despairing about the future? How does one go to sleep alone with that sort of day ahead of them and not want to hide in a maze of videos and pictures and memes- my sad stand-ins for real human interaction?

Purpose- my friend Luke said on Sunday night. He was talking about Ecclesiastes. There is a purpose to life but I think I've lost sight of that. I think my problem is that it feels so far off, that it's such a distant and unreachable thing, that I wonder why I should bother.

Sorry this has been a disjointed and less than cheery blog post but I just haven't been feeling terribly inclined towards optimism lately...