Tuesday, 20 November 2012

I've lost the word I was looking for... and my purpose as well, I think

It's been a while since I've posted a blog entry. I suppose that's obvious but I point it out to preface my next thought. In creating a blog to help me try to be more optimistic, I've found it hard to find things to write about when I'm not feeling terribly cheery about the world which sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

The reason I started writing this entry is because I was feeling lonely and... another word. I was thinking about how bad I was feeling about myself and I lost the word. It was the perfect word to describe my feelings and I lost it. Dangit! Don't you hate it when you can't think of a word?

Anyway, the reason I was lonely and despairing (for lack of a better word) tonight was that I had to go home to an empty house tonight. Yes, I live with a cat and dog but they're not much for conversation or encouragement. I find myself dragging my feet on the cusp of a job hunt and the beginning of a new business and I just can't get myself going. It makes me wonder what it is that I'm missing that all of those successful people out there have. What drives these people? What motivates them to look at all of the potential "No"s out there and still hunt for that elusive "Yes"? How does one repeatedly wake up in an empty bed to an empty day and not become despairing about the future? How does one go to sleep alone with that sort of day ahead of them and not want to hide in a maze of videos and pictures and memes- my sad stand-ins for real human interaction?

Purpose- my friend Luke said on Sunday night. He was talking about Ecclesiastes. There is a purpose to life but I think I've lost sight of that. I think my problem is that it feels so far off, that it's such a distant and unreachable thing, that I wonder why I should bother.

Sorry this has been a disjointed and less than cheery blog post but I just haven't been feeling terribly inclined towards optimism lately...

1 comment:

  1. I hear you sweetie. Paul is on the job hunt again and it is a slog for sure. Just keep your chin up, keep looking and get those resumes out there. It's ok not to be optimistic and positive all the time, the sun can't shine everyday ;)